Imagine if you'd caught her just seconds earlier. You could have seen her animal unconscious asshole.\n\n[[Exhale|my apartment]]

I feel sorry for the poor normal skulled people who will live in this apartment after I am gone. Forced to soak in the disgusting miasma of my skull. I am sure no one could [[enter this place]] without sensing that a person with a misshapen skull had lived here.<<if $energy_2 is false>><<set $energy_2 to true>><<endif>><<if $energy_1 is true and $energy_2 is true>><<set $current = "dwell on it">><<set $nano = true>><<endif>>

I perform this skin drag.\n\nAnd it does drag.\n\nOn and on and [[on|onn]] and on.

I perform this skin drag.\n\nAnd it does drag.\n\nOn and on and on and [[on|skin]].

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I perform this skin drag.\n\nAnd it does drag.\n\nOn and [[on]] and on and on.

A fundamental separation.\n\nMy [[skin|brain]] is not part of my body.

I was born unable to see as much of my [[skull]] as I needed to.

There is a [[dist.....ance]] between my skin and my skull.

//and she had the earth dug up, and they found blue and evil-looking bones...and men thought they knew then that a tomb of some sorceress must have been there; so the bones were taken to a place far away where people were least likely to be [[passing]].//\n-Laxdæla saga

But you know, I'm not trying to manipulate you with this story. I'm not one of those negative types who goes looking for evil in others, crying bigotry or whatever. People are nice. \n\nI know they're basically decent people because, get this, they can pour piss into the collar, burning irritants, hot water, cold water, but most people pour just normal lukewarm water, and after 8 hours, I [[get paid]].

//and she had the earth dug up, and they found blue and [[evil-looking]] bones...

Her long red hair brushes my ear. This close I can see exactly how well her skin fits over her skull. Unified, contiguous,\n\n[[whole|Head to the back]]

I avoid their gaze like the sun.\n\n[[Look away|job]]

I've wanted their approval for so long. I know them pouring water on my face is a natural part of this process. There is a distance of atonement between my skull and their skull, and this erodes it. If a stupid rocky coast can be eaten away to permit the unbounded, rightful sprawl of the ocean, am I, a sentient being, less capable of assisting this correct erosion?\n\nI would love to be friends with the cis women who come in here. I know [[one day]] this will come true.

I sit in public. I watch. And with each person, I think: how perfect your skull is. How divine in measurement, how unhateful in proportion.\n\n[img[broken][Y]]\n\n<<silently>>[[and i am broken|Y]][img] go back and take better image ?<<endsilently>>

I somehow found my own [[apartment]], despite this preoccupation with my skull that heavily damaged my ability to participate in capitalism.

I mean close like a shark, not close like a friend. But until you're drowning in a cloud of your own blood and salt water, most of us can't tell the [[difference]].

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I was unable to explain to people that this violence, often initiated by strangers, sometimes by people who were [[close]] to me, occured as a result of my skull.

Pink case glowing with hot magenta light, so hot it's nearly red.\n\nI wanted a femmey case. I couldn't find any femme RAM or motherboards (really??) or pretty much anything at all (unless you count the cyborgian battle women in CGI latex and dyed hair on the graphics card packaging), it's mostly black military looking rugged shit.\n\n[[Nice|my apartment]]

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A box larger than my brain to store my thoughts about skulls in.\n\nI am the [[brain|my apartment]] in the skull of my apartment.<<set $current = "feel sick">>

Through the narrow aperture of the collar I see the ceiling and sometimes a flip of her hair.\n\n[[Blink|Head to the back]]

There is a [[dist..ance]] between my skin and my skull.

<<if $bra is false>>[[Bra]]<<else>>Bird.<<endif>>\n\n<<if $tights is false>>[[Tights]]<<else>>Lilac.<<endif>>\n\n<<if $underwear is false>>[[Underwear]]<<else>>None.<<endif>><<set $current = "go to work">><<set $clothes = false>>\n\n<<if $tights is true and $underwear is true and $bra is true>>[[Okay.|my apartment][$energy = true]]<<endif>>

They have their phones out, one even has a laptop out, pointing their cams at the flame.\n\n[[Look away|outside]]

I have to <<if $current is "go to work">>[[go to work|leave]]<<else>><<$current>><<endif>>.\n\nThe [[computer|jacks]], glowing [[pink]]. <<if $vape is true>> My [[vaporizer]] lying on the case.<<endif>>\n\n<<if $current is "feel sick">>The toxic [[energy]] chilling in this apartment like a phantom.<<endif>><<if $current is "dwell on it">>A [[nanonet|net]] revealed by my monitor light, swirling like dust.<<endif>>\n\n<<if $clothes is true>>My [[clothes|dressed]] in a pile on the floor. The [[mini-fridge|Refrigerator]].<<else>> The [[mini-fridge|Refrigerator]].<<endif>>

A [[fire]] is burning in the field, attended upon by many [[people]].\n\nThe [[strip mall|job]] is across the street.

I walk for awhile. The [[park|X]] is across the street. A kid's soccer team is playing in the burning sun.\n\nA few more blocks to the [[place|outside]] I work.

The only people who understand are the victims.\n\nWe share our knowledge over a [[nanodust darknet|my apartment]] privately maintained by survivors of extreme violence. The warm glow on your screen is the heat of this transmission.

The world is a good place if you just give it a chance.<<timedgoto "terminus" 20s>>

Is she the perfect skull maiden I was meant to be, before my skull mutated irreversibly?\n\nLike removing a refracted object from the water but the refraction remains.\n\n[[Exhale|my apartment]]

Her skull retreats. Her fingers appear, long-nailed, perfectly manicured. They hold a pitcher of water.\n\nShe [[waters]] my face.

Orifice Clique

...............'...'.'....'...'......'.....'....'...'...'..''''\n..........'....'[[....'.|net1]].'..'....'.'..'..'.'....'.......'...'.....\n..'.....'....'......'.....'.....'.'.....'.....'...'......'...'..\n''...'...[[......|net2]].'..'..'.'...........'...............'..'...'....\n.............'...'..'...'...'..[['.'...|net3]]'.'.....'...'...'.'....'...\n...'......<<if $visited_1 is true and $visited_2 is true and $visited_3 is true>>..'''....'...'..''...'...'..'.'..'''.'[[..'.........'..'..''.'.'...'..'.|animatronic]]<<else>>.<<endif>>..'...'..\n\n[[jack out|my apartment]]

I am an energy radiating from a brokenness. The energy can whirl, condense, fade, billow, but it cannot escape the source of its energy.\n\nWhen I was 17, 23, and 26, [[violent incidents]] happened to me that were related to my skull.<<set $current = "dwell on it">><<set $nano = true>>

Bottles of orange soda. Water makes me gag.\n\n[[Close fridge|my apartment]]

[[I could not control the aperture of light into my skull|skull][$then = "when my skull was burning from the inside out"]]\n\n[[I tried storing my flesh in a box called starvation, but that box kept springing open|skull][$then = "when my flesh would not stay locked in a box"]]\n\n[[I noticed my skull was growing differently from the other girls|skull][$then = "when my skull diverged"]]

It takes a lot to wear no underwear in public when you have external genitalia.\n\nSome women have their orifice clique. I have a cute cock banned by the [[shadow league|dressed]].<<set $underwear = true>>

A muscular arm of water shoves itself between my teeth and down my throat. Forks fingers into my nostrils. Hard as steel.\n\n[[Drink]]

I've had this other symptom. Dysphoria at not being able to connect these cables into jacks like my computer has.\n\nI bump them against my skull. They make little dimples. But I know I'll never be able to afford the surgery.\n\n[[Never|my apartment]]

There is a [[dist...ance]] between my skin and my skull.

Grey smoke rises to grey clouds, as if the sky were regenerating a wound.\n\n[[Okay|outside]]

How vain for a skull to wear lilac tights.\n\nHow pretty, people say. They don't even know.\n\nNail polish is okay though. Sometimes I can pretend the nails are an extension of my [[skull|dressed]].<<set $tights = true>>

<<if $work gt 4>>[[My throat is raw]]<<else>><<set $water += 1>><<if $water gte 4>><<set $breath += 1>><<endif>><<if $breath gt 5>>[[Drowning]]<<else>><<if $water is 1>>Water is filling the collar.<<endif>><<if $water is 2>>Water is pooled around my face.<<endif>><<if $water is 3>>Water covers my lips.<<endif>><<if $water is 4>>Water covers my nose.<<endif>><<if $water is 5>>My face is underwater.<<endif>><<if $breath is 1>> I'm holding my breath.<<endif>><<if $breath is 2>> Holding my breath.<<endif>><<if $breath is 3>> Feeling dizzy.<<endif>><<if $breath is 4>> Darkness crushing me.<<endif>><<if $breath is 5>> Lungs bursting.<<endif>>\n\n[[Drink|waters][$water -= 1;$breath += 1]]\n\n<<if $water lt 4>>[[Inhale|waters][$breath -= 1]]<<endif>><<endif>><<endif>>

The door opens. I hear the footsteps of a [[cis woman]]. Her perfectly shaped skull peers down at me, gaudy with eyes and lips and skin.

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I perform this skin drag.\n\nAnd it does drag.\n\n[[On]] and on and on and on.

A subhuman can be exalted by being killed by a real human, and what an additional and extravagant honor it would be for my flesh to be consumed by a superior skulled lifeform.\n\nI hope she kills me.\n\n[[Exhale|my apartment]]

But at the start of each day I [[wake up|walk]] and I'm skullin away again!!

There is a [[distance]] between my skin and my skull.

[[I obsessively measure and photograph my skull to find evidence of the changes|skull][$now = "this desperation that I could not convince others of my skull"]]\n\n[[I use the internet as a device for envying the skulls of normal human women|skull][$now = "this all-consuming envy of normal skulls"]]\n\n[[My long hair distracts people from my skull|skull][$now = "the use of my long hair to disguise my skull"]]\n

//wellllll........i almost killed myself about 7, maybe more times. that's about as many times as the crystals or gems or whatever in jrpg number fuck you. i don't think that was the magic number though...things didnt change. i can't talk about it anywhere else cuz like.......people want to see scars, i guess. The ywant like, you prove you were really trying, that you really deserve comfort i guess.\n\nbut here's the thing okay. there's no way i could say this anywhere else but this group, but almsot killing yourself, even if you don't have scars or whateve, even if you didn't try, is a wound. Its a wound to get to that point. To think that big thought. my therapist says i need catharsis but i don't even know how to get catharsis if i have to keep this inside me all the time. i keep telling her what happened to me but she says my parents love me and i'm trying to blame tmy problems on other people. why do i care so much? am i stupid? why can't i just sotp feeling this way?//\n\n[[...|net]]<<if $visited_3 is false>><<set $visited_3 = true>><<endif>>

//I couldn't get the meds I needed because the doctor thought I was a pillseeker. I subsequently had a breakdown and became physically incapacitated, like a little child. In that vulnerable state I was assaulted by a prominent feminist and activist in my field. When I tried to tell people, they wouldn't hear of it. In fact, I was fired from my tech job. Well, edged out and humiliated and ostracized and gossiped about until I was crying every night after work and had to quit in desperation after six months of isolation, but you know, same thing. Except no one cares about the latter, because you can't be a good feminist cause celebre if you don't appear completely stainless and endure some cartoonishly obvious misfortune. And I'm a trans woman, so there's stain number one. No one even blinked.\n\nI know this person still does inappropriate things and I feel guilty every time I suspect this is the case, like I'm the one responsible. The guilt they should feel toward their victims is what I feel.\n\nOh, and I'm marked as a pillseeker on medical records, so recovery doesn't look like it's happening any time soon. I used to be so excited about my projects, now I spend most of my time imagining ways to die. It calms me.//\n\n[[...|net]]<<if $visited_2 is false>><<set $visited_2 = true>><<endif>>

//lol trying to explain what happened to me feels like a cis woman trying to communicate that rape is wrong in an era where the concept of rape doesnt exist. theres no script. its trans shit. i feel like itll be centuries til anyone cares and i cant do anything in this lifetime. so i just shut down.//\n\n[[...|net]]<<if $visited_1 is false>><<set $visited_1 = true>><<endif>>

There is a [[dist.ance]] between my skin and my skull.

Orifice Clique by [[Porpentine|http://slimedaughter.com/]]\n\nplaytesters\n[[Jamie Berrout|http://desdeotromar.tumblr.com/about]]\n[[Brenda Neotenomie|http://www.neotenomie.org/]]

<<timedgoto "nano" 1s>><<set $nano += 1>><<if $nano gte 1>>...............'<<endif>><<if $nano gte 2>>...'.'....'...'......'<<endif>><<if $nano gte 3>>.....'....'...'...'..<<endif>><<if $nano gte 4>>''''\n..........'....'....'..'..'....<<endif>><<if $nano gte 5>>'.'..'..'.'....'.......'...'.....<<endif>><<if $nano gte 6>>\n..'.....'....'......'.....'.....'.'..<<endif>><<if $nano gte 7>>...'.....'...'......'...'..\n''...'..........'<<endif>><<if $nano gte 8>>..'..'.'...........'...............'..'...<<endif>><<if $nano gte 9>>'....\n.............'...'..'...'...'..'.<<endif>><<if $nano gte 10>>'...'.'.....'...'...'.'....'...\n...'........'.........'.<<endif>><<if $nano gte 11>>.'...'..'.'....'.'[[.....|net]]<<endif>>\n

Time passed between\n\n<<if $then is "">>[[then]]<<else>><<$then>><<endif>>\n\nand\n\n<<if $now is "">>[[now]]<<else>><<$now>><<endif>>\n\n<<if $now neq "" and $then neq "">>[[and NOW now]]<<endif>>

I perform this skin [[drag]].

I have no identity beyond the positive or negative space created by this skull.\n\nI am a [[skull|ache]] with long hair and mascara and eyeliner.

<<if $work is 0>>My lungs have grown so much since last year.<<endif>><<if $work is 1>>Droplets of water run down the plastic cone.<<endif>><<if $work is 2>>I've memorized the ceiling by now. The lids of my eyes flick every whorl and spot like prayer beads.<<endif>><<if $work is 3>>I choke it down, puke it up, swallow again, taste my bile. Suck air back into burning lungs.<<endif>><<if $work gte 4>>Ggghhhhhhhhhhh.<<endif>>\n\n[[Work|waters]]<<set $water = 0>><<set $breath = 0>><<set $work += 1>>

I cross the lot and walk inside. [[Cis women]] are seated in the lobby.\n\n[[Head to the back]]\n

I leave the apartment. As I close the door, I feel like some guilty dead thing resealing a [[crypt|purified]], on my way to some starved, skulking, envious spying through the Kinkadian windows of the living.

<<set $now = "">>\n<<set $then = "">>\n\n<<set $energy_1 = "">>\n<<set $energy_2 = "">>\n\n<<set $tights = false>>\n<<set $bra = false>>\n<<set $underwear = false>>\n<<set $nano = 0>>\n\n<<set $visited_1 = false>>\n<<set $visited_2 = false>>\n<<set $visited_3 = false>>\n\n<<set $work = 0>>

We sound like the ghosts in a haunted house, offering up our woes. The dream is to be a spirit of vengeance, but lately I feel animatronic. The endless weary recitation.\n\nWe've spent so long together that we sound the same. We're going [[nowhere|net]]. Discovering nothing new. I should move on. I have a good job. This never would have happened if I'd just stopped talking about it. If I hadn't been so oversensitive.<<if $vape is false>><<set $current = "calm down">><<set $vape = true>><<endif>>

Sometimes I see an image in my mind, a fantasy, of a woman coming to live here after I am gone, and her skull is the most beautiful skull of all, and she sweeps the doors open and unshutters the windows and the apertures of her skull and perfectly pinned skin dilate triumphantly as she spreads her arms and says, out unclean spirit! [[Out horrible skull]]!

And she lives in that place and it has been [[purified|walk]].

This is [[my job]].

I lie on the table and my [[manager]] wraps the strap over my neck and pulls it tight, pinning me down. She straps my wrists, ankles, arms, legs, waist, and chest.\n\nShe takes out something like one of those pet cones, those [[collars]] to keep a dog from itching, and she puts it around my head.\n\n[[Work]] begins.

There is a [[dist....ance]] between my skin and my skull.

Porpentine

<<timedgoto "begin" 3s>>

I wear a bright blue bra one day and it seems so strange on my skin, like if a bird had flown into my apartment in the middle of the city, wild and feathery and //[[there|dressed]]//.<<set $bra = true>>

Every time I get high and close my eyes I see the same thing: A naked fem wriggling inside a flawless skull like a maggot. Her long hair drapes from the eyehole, then slithers inside.\n\nNow, I know you to be an expert judge of the women who haunt skulls. Tell me the meaning of her hair in that position.\n\n[[To lure prey inside her bony shell.]]\n\n[[She was returning from a scavenge. You caught the last glimpse of her retreating form.]]\n\n[[The skull is flooded, slimy. She was drying her hair, and it will be beautiful when she lays it out full of pastel bows.]]<<if $clothes is false and $current is "calm down">><<set $current = "get dressed">><<set $clothes = true>><<endif>>